My alarm will go off in one hour, at the way too early time of 4:30 a.m. My whole life, I've worried that I'd sleep through my alarm when I need to be up for something important, and it's no different tonight.
I'm leaving to go on a weekend trip with 40-something amazing girls and moms, to celebrate the 100th anniversary of Girl Scouts. And I don't want to miss that bus. I don't want Ayden to miss that bus. So, I can't sleep.
My first thought when I couldn't sleep was, "Oh good, I can do just a little more cleaning so Scott won't have to worry about it while I'm gone." But as I was getting ready to clean, I just felt God saying, "Hey, come hang out with me for a little while."
I've been praying for several days now, well, really several weeks, but very purposefully for several days. And I've been struggling with fear. It all goes back to holding that key, that might or might not open that door. The one we're standing in front of. My struggle is a result of the seeds of doubt and confusion planted by Satan, and my inner voice is starting to sound a bit chaotic. "Are you sure you can handle possibly finding another dead end?" "What if this isn't personal fear, but instead it's God's way of saying this isn't the right door?" "What if this is God's plan, am I ready for that?"
So, I decided that this quiet time, where I could fold the last load of laundry, or put away the dishes in the dishwasher, or scrub my baseboards, was a great time to hang out with my Abba, my Dad. I mean, what a great sounding board He is when I'm struggling. He listens to my fears, He's patient with me, and I always feel so much better afterwards.
I prayed for a bit, then I went to look for a clip of a sermon I watched several months ago. Instead, I found a sermon by Francis Chan on being fearless. On not letting Satan, or the world, turn our confidence into doubt, into not answering God's call. After listening, I just feel this peace. My mind's questions of doubt were answered with "Then I will be there."
And I trust Him. Because He's always been there.